suddenly feel like blogging.. many things happen in this 1 mth.. lots... lots... most is unhappy de ba... i donno how to express.. but jus really felt sad, lonely blah blah blah... hmmm... mayb this year is the year that i cry most.. (exclude baby crying times) mostly is because of my bro... haiz...
he say i got a [si jie] in my heart.. that cause me to hate him ar... but wat is it actually?? is it really because of the incident when young?? he told me YES! but i don tink so.. cos i hardly can rmb wat really happen... i jus have a blur memory of that incident.. he say.. some of the ppl will 4get abt the incident.. but it actually only rmb the hurt not the incident... he say i m 1 of those ar.. lol.. i donno... really donno... but other than this reason, i really couldnt find any more reason why i don like him.. don like him in my room, don like him to touch my things...
silibings... i really [xian mu] those ppl who have bro or sis that really dote them, care for them.. i really very very [xian mu].... i also think b4... wat if i had a sis... wow.. that would b real gd... i can tok to her.. b very close to her.. like i can lie on her bed and have a small chat wif her... or when i m having nightmares, i can squeeze into her bed and slp... don that sound very [wen xing]?? this is really a sis that i really hopping for... but... this 4ever cant come true... so i acutally very envy wei liang.. as he got 4 sis... 4!!!! u know?? FOUR!!!! so gd...
this few mth i cant have my mood up... i donno y... even is wif friends, i also cant joke around as i usually did... in the past, no matter how moody i m, i still can joke or so called bully my friends a bit... but now i cant... i now don even know how to communcate wif my friends... haiz.. wats really wrong wif me??? mom birthday jus over... =) older by 1 le.. haiz... bro bought a cake downstairs.. yummy.. it was nice =) got lots of nuts.. haha... those hazenuts.. so nice!!! than few days later, i went to buy it too... but not as many nuts as the 1st time... know y?? cos my bro order that cake.. and requested for extra toppings.. CHEY! waste my $$... haiz... but the cake still quite nice lah.. =) this few weeks, my bro also bring his friends over to our house.. know wat they do?? they playing majiong.. lol!! i don really like them playing it ar... cos u know.. the noise... and i don like to c strangers... i donno how to communicate wif ppl de... so usually i often isolate myself away frm others... thats y.. it can explain y i don have lots of friends around me... when they at my house, i got to lock myself in the room.. trying to cut down the time of getting out of my room.. cos i jus felt weird when facing them... i don like that feeling... haiz... if they come to do works, projects, i still ok wif it.. but they come is to play majiong!!!! ARG! i jus don like it... but wat can i do wif it?? i told my bro don call them over anymore.. but he tell me that i m very [xiao qi, xing xiong xia zai] and i don like is because IT IS HIS FRIENDS! lol... wat crap is it... so sometimes.. i really really really wish that i don have this bro... but sometimes.. he really quite nice ar... when he didnt make me angry... he still ok de... so i really donno wats wrong wif me and him... do any1 understand wat i m talking??? can any1 help me solve this prob??? i don wish to tink abt it anymore... ppl say when u keep everything to urself, one day, ur shoulder will b very very heavy... and u will burst... so it is gd to say out wat u r tinking... well, i really wish i could.. but i cant... who can i talk to?? parent?? bro?? friends??? nah... i cant... i actually keep a distance away frm every1 including my parent... can u believe that??? even my parents i also keep a distance... is it because of that so i think no 1 understand me?? because i wanted to keep to myself so i cant actually let those really gd friends enter my heart and help me??? o god.. wats wrong wif me??? i wish for something.. but i stop them from coming true... m i crazy??? i often imagine some stories in my mind jus b4 i fell asleep... how i wish i m in my imaginery world... when everything is jus so perfect... but i know that is also impossible... i hate reality... i want to go back to the childhood time... the time where i donno anything... don tink of anything... donno any1... jus peace, peace, peace and peace... i want to b home... i wanna go back home... a home that i wish for... that i hope for.... when will it ever come true???
