i finally get confirm! donno y... after the bishop make a cross on my forehead wif the oil, i suddenly like very blank.. nth was in mind.. than kneel to pray... tears start rolling without any reason.. donno y.. but somehow, felt relaz.. like the troubles in me was suddenly let off... but that relaz feeling didnt last long... the next day(today) it was back.. those troubled feeling... and the feeling was like doubled.. starting still ok de.. but till i argue wif mom over a small matter, this feeling was suddenly emplified.. it affect my mood for the whole day.. till now is still like that.. in the past no matter how sad i m, i wont like felt depressed outside.. even if i did, the tear wont like wanting to flow out in the public.. but today, it did.. well, of course i tried to stop it frm coming out lah.. so gd thing was not found out by my friends~ piew~ but my friends do know that i m not myself today... they know i m moody... at the bus trip back home, ya sort of xiang tong le... cannot b sad... cannot b depressed... must b HAPPY! so force myself to smile... than i become HIGH! of course not taking drug lah.. i mean like crazy le.. keep toking... well, thats normal for me... everytime after depressing, i always become high de.. mayb a crazy way of relax.... didnt know wats happening now.. b4 o lvl, i can gib myself an excuse that i was under stress so i m not myself, not like b4.. but now lei? wat excuse can i give? i feel like i m running away frm something.. but wat is it? i donno.. even i want to face it i also donno how.. wat is the prob? i feel like closing down the blog... my blog is always writting moody things.. ppl come, read these type of post also sian diao... but other than typing, i donno wat i can do next.. tok to some1 abt it? awww.. cant... cos i don even know wat is the prob and i m still not able to open up myself to any1... something i feel like saying out.. but it is like a too personal.. and is like only able to tink in mind not able to express.. i don even know wat i want... when there is very personal probs, cannot type here... write in diary? nah! i'm lazy.. and my language SUX! talk to myself on bed? nah! felt like a crazy person..(well, i m crazy) talk to some1?? NAH! 100% 4ever and ever i wont ever do that... everytime ppl ask:" u ok?" "got prob mah?" i only will reply: " ya, ok" " nono.. no prob, very fine" but i know i m deciving myself... but if u ask me "wats the prob?" i know i wont b able to ans... i donno... donno... really donno..... everytime go other ppl blog, reading their post, it is like their post is always happy de... like here outing, there outing... always happy day... but is it really that happy? the arguing today lead to something that was being buried in me for long time... in the past i didnt say is because i know wat parents say or do is got reason de and i understand it... because of my family huan jing... and i know they are not wrong.. but day by day, gibing reason to urself, "parents is tired , got to work, health not gd" and think that u are not bothered by these things... yes, in logic i know its true and is reasonable... but to a child, we hoped it, and it turn into a dispointment... as times goes by, it stored more and more... today i said it out... telling them wat i hoped for and the disspointment everytime i get... ppl say, say everything out and u will feel better.. but i didnt... i felt worst! mayb is because i don hope that they will know that i care for such thing.. i dont want them to tink too much abt it and affect them... in the past after saying out wat i feel, i will b ok in a while.. but this time, i tink i cant... for a whole day the feeling was there... if the feeling still dont want to go off, i gotta act like nth happen... cos i know if i continue to b sad and have a distance inbetween, the relationship between us will b futher and futher... i dont want that to happen... the distance between us is already too far...
BUT!!that does not mean my parents is not gd hor!! they are gd.. they care for their child.. its jus that they are not able to c the inner side of their child nia... cannot blame ar.. not all parents can do it rite?? ya... this will b the last post that i will write abt these type of post... i wont ever write families sadness post again... its no use... i want my blog to b happy... i only want to post something that is happy... as long as not sad can liao... i dont want any1 to know abt me... since i already choose to hide, i will hide everything... frm now on, i will only b HAPPY... ya.... happy.... happy... i read an email b4, it says that ppl that always to wear black clothes is because they want to hide. they want to b camofluged.. not to b discovered... and those who know me, will realise that i always wear black... so ya.. jus let me hide... i m not going to tink of any to change anymore.. thats very tiring...
p.s. sorry but i do not wish to c any comments abt this post on my tag board nor on msn.. aiya jus don tok abt this post in any way.. no need any encouargement or anything... i donno y.. i m weird... =.= anne, in hebrew signifies "gracious".. haha... i don tink i m able to do wat my name means... LOL! i m lousy =.= last post... LAST!
